A Wild Young Under-Whimsy

Perhaps the stupidest song in the world. And I write as someone who serenades the cat along the lines of: "Oh Meepy, you came and you sat on my lappy, and it made me very happy". (This is really just scraping the surface; I also do a Dolly Parton-inspired number that goes: "Oh Meep, oh Meep, oh Meep, oh Meeeeeeeep! I'm beggin' of you please sit on my lap.")

But anyway. Today in the shower I decided to test out a theory of mine that Pantene is essentially the same product as the el cheapo Priceline shampoo that costs $3 for half a litre. So I compared the ingredients. Apart from things like sodium laureth sulfide and methylchloroisothiazolinone, they both contained cocamide. But while Pantene contained cocamide MEA, the Priceline shampoo contained cocamide DEA. This started me on a rousing chorus of a new inane ditty which I like to call, "Cocamide Mea, Cocamide Dea". It's in a similar vein to "Knowing Me, Knowing You".

But then I segued into perhaps the stupidest song in the world, "Coco Jamboo" by German group Mr President. If you want to know more about this 90s one-hit-wonder, this link puts it in better broken English than I possibly could. ("Whereas he is mostly RAPING in this track he shows that he can sing HI-ENERGY.") Indeed. I think "Coco Jamboo" might have untapped powers to torture inmates at Abu Ghraib or something.

The stupidity begins with the unnecessary O in "Jamboo", because it's not as if it rhymes with bamboo. But then a synthetic pan-pipe sets in and you realise you are truly in for a wild ride.

Aya ya ya Coco Jamboo ya ya yeah
Aya ya ya Coco Jamboo ya ya yeah

What is this chocolate-flavoured jamboo of which they speak? As it is a black guy singing, I am assuming it's about sweet action. This suspicion is not allayed by the chorus, which makes the action sound particularly active:

Put me up, put me down,
Put my feet back on the ground
Put me up, take my heart
And make me happy

The verses continue in this mystifying yet suggestive vein.

Here we go gettin' smooth to the groove
Showing lovely ladies how I sooth as I move
That's what they say but I can't prove
So turn it up again and watch me move to the groove
As we get close you whisper coco
I hold you in my arms and you say Jamboo
Scream and shout turn and stay columbo
Now I gotta go yo coco

That's the way I treat dem girls kinda smooth see
Cause there's one man and yo, that's me see
So let me show you round as your sip your tee gee
But no coco loco boom while I take a pee lee
When I hold my baby tighter she says I do it nicer
I like my chicken with rice and lemonade
And that's what you get when she shouts out Jamboo
Now I gotta go yo coco

Now I am almost thinking that shouting Jamboo is like shouting "Bingo!" or "Geronimo!" or "Help!" But can anyone tell me what "staying columbo" involves? I am envisaging a rumpled trenchcoat. And does "no coco loco boom while I take a pee lee" mean, "I cannot have sex and urinate at the same time"? And what kind of wild animalistic activity is implied by the phrase "I like my chicken with rice and lemonade"?

I know that soliciting comments here is like taking a pee lee into the wind, but I would be interested to know if there are worse songs than this about. Adam, if anyone knows, you will.